So long, 2023

It's been a year marked by great happiness and at the same time, great loss. Like how blissful one gets life needs to counter it with an equal measure of grief. Yin and Yang. But maybe it's human nature to feel loss more acutely, or maybe it's due to the recency effect. For the most part of the last four months, I have been grieving over the loss of my dearest grandma. She turned ninety mid-year and was like a second mother to me and especially my brother. I do not know how to write about her that does our relationship even the slightest justice but I want to try. She had always been described as a woman of strength. How she raised ten kids of her own. How she raised the kids of her kids on her own. How she's always carrying bags of groceries back home whipping up feasts after feasts for those she loves. How even when her memories got foggy she never once forgets our names. You cannot imagine how thankful I am for that. Even up till her last days, she rather hold it out in the hospital for two more weeks after a bad stroke just so she could make it back home, back to her Jurong house, the house that built me and so many of her 子子孙孙. I just wanna say to her, you gave me more than I can ever thank you for and I want you to know that you have lived a good life and will be greatly, sorely missed. Thanks for letting me be with you until the end. I love you，我们的五代大母.

I guess one never stops, can never stop writing about grief. Because it stems from a place of love. And I got married to the man I love in January 2023. Ours is a love in the time of coronavirus. I mean, we met each other back in 2017/2018 but we practically did not speak to each other until 2020 when he broke the ice (and any silent treatment). I never thought I will be that comfortable around someone I actually like, but with Z love is not hard. I could be myself and he accepts me just the way I am. It's like the ugly tears smeared against my pillow in the many deep nights of my twenties all culminate to this one fortunate encounter. We planned the whole wedding thing in under four months sometimes I still dk how we managed to pull it off. Surely a bridal studio with more comprehensive services would help and we trawled the internet looking up bridal studios like it's the biggest project of our lifetime. And it was.

For Z, price point was almost definitely everything hahaha. But for me, I need to like their gowns, I need to like the looks of most MUA under their stable, I need to like the photographic results of their PWS and AD portfolio shots and Odelia Bridal hit all the sweet spots. This is when people use the #noregrets hashtag I suppose. Theirs is a small but mighty team and they never disappoint at any stage. Needless to say, we hit their studio every other weekend in end 2022. It's been a little more than a year but the studio was such a big part of our wedding planning it felt like Z and I did not actually do much planning ourselves ??? So kudos to the Odelia team (: Maybe one day I will write a more detailed post with photos and all. But of course, there were other wedding things like venue sourcing (we were deciding between Alkaff Mansion and MBS), wedding cards invites and the traditional chinese GDL and tea ceremony etc. to be done with (and of which AMD Wedding in Chinatown was a big help). The store owner even gave us a one hour briefing on the do's and don'ts of the traditional ceremony surely this requires passion for one to go beyond just selling products. I probably will just get down to writing more about wedding things in another post someday.

In other news, Z and I chose Japan for our two weeks honeymoon during their cherry blossom season last year. The places we went were all 打卡 landmarks but I have never been to the famous torii gates!! Never been to the famous bamboo forest!! Nor have I feed the deers famous for their politeness either!! So there, you basically have an idea of the places we went lol. Not to forget Naoshima Island -- a place I have wanted to visit for the longest of time for you guess it, Yayoi Kusama's famous yellow pumpkin. But really, Tadao Ando's architectures are just as much a highlight as the pumpkin the island is known for. I even got a really high fever on my first day on the island but thank god it subsided on its own after a good night's sleep. ANDDD ALSOOO WE WENT TO UNIVERSAL STUDIOS JAPAN! Sipping butterbeer at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in USJ was a bucketlist item. Their Doraemon ride was surprisingly thrillingly good too. I love that two weeks in Japan hahaha eating Doutor for almost every breakfast just because I can. Maybe I can do a photolog post someday as well.

I sure have so many things I can blog about but I rarely ever write in this space anymore. And now Im writing such a long ass post for the year that has passed. But 2023 has been special in its own way and it warrants some sort of recording. I was ART+ twice (in Feb and then in Dec), moved away from OCS office up to 5th Flr somewhere in Jun, attended my sister's wedding in Desaru in Jul and work wise, I sort of quiet quit in the second half of the year (quiet quit is a new term!!) before I really call it quits by the time December rolled around. Six years with the company and I really should have alot of things to say. But I struggled to find meaning in my work towards the end (maybe my grandma's passing played a part) and if I was smart and had really plan for my career, I would have and should have left somewhere in mid-year. Then perhaps I could have kept the work momentum going on but now I have other priorities that I would like to tend to. Probably no income streaming in for the most part of 2024 but I hope I discover and do things that can spark new joys. To a good long dragon year ahead xx

AH GONG

Just like that, another star burnt out, another tide went out. I haven't been especially close to my grandpa since forever but he used to be a quiet fixture in the Jurong house until he got seriously ill, going in and out of hospitals over the years. If the ideal was to age gracefully, then one might not think he achieved that. His body was covered with sores and ulcers. He couldn't speak in long sentences, he couldn't feed himself, he wasn't able to walk even with his crutch. To be honest I cannot even fathom the pain he went through all these years, suffering in silence because no one understands him. There are the elders who took turns to provide shelter for him but even then, things can weigh one down. It always does. Because caring for the sick is not something anyone of us gravitates towards. There are always better things to do out there, better people to meet. We always rationalise our actions don't we, living like there's always a tomorrow until one day we don't see the people we used to see, we hear their voices no longer and that's when a kind of deep-seated sadness hits. I never did have enough memories of my grandpa for me to regret anything, but I don't know why I'm bawling my eyes out like this. I think it's because death feels so permanent and goodbyes are always hard. I hope that in another universe, in another timeline, he's actually in the pink of health. But for the ninety years on this Earth, you have done well grandpa. Not just for putting up a long fight with your illness, but also for being a father, a grandfather, a great-grandfather, a great-great grandfather for all that comes after you. Rest in peace xx

Taichung Visuals

26 MAY - 1 JUN 2018 /

Finally this Taiwan trip came into fruition coz I believe Sis, Bro & myself had been talking about it for the longest of time and apparently all of us had some rough idea of the places we wanna go or the food we wanna try out but some of the finer details were only ironed out during the trip itself, like how we only got ourselves a driver to bring us from our minsu in Taichung all the way to Taipei, cutting through mountains and stopping by a couple of attractions in Hualien along the way a day or two before we were supposed to depart for Hualien (666!!) Let's just say it was damn UV hot the first day we arrived but it got cooler when we went up the mountains in Nantou County, and it rained during the last few days of our trip when we were in Taipei, so all's good! Below are some visuals from Taichung — 彩虹村、中社花市、逢甲夜市、清境農場 (found my 1314 hahaha)、合歡山 ..... ENJOYYY ;D

HUALIEN + TAIPEI VISUALS UP IN THE NEXT POST (:

xx

Off The Grid

20 APR - 23 APR 2018 / Two weeks back, I was at Tioman Island taking my PADI Open Water Diver course (need to emphasize that I was on course, and not on a holiday trip) and it was everything that I did not imagine it to be. For one thing, I needed to unlearn the breathing technique and movement from swimming in order for me to even stay underwater. And then, I got to overcome this initial fear of deep waters so that I could clear all my skills training during those shore dives (prerequisite for my boat dives). They say you won't forget your first breath underwater, and I find that very true (even though I experienced that first breath through snorkelling on my first day there). But unlike snorkelling whereby I could just come up for air whenever I would like to, I wasn't able to do the same for diving.

And I think that was what scared me the most at first. So many times I just wanna surface so that I can take a good proper breath coz apparently Im still breathing through my mouth AND nose at the same time which is totally incorrect (but as long as I don't hold my breath I guess Im pretty safe) It's not even like I'm running out of air, but the thought of not being able to get to safety was unnerving. I shivered so much (even back in our room) I didn't know if that was me feeling cold or me feeling scared about all the skills training I had to complete on my third day there (the progress on the second day was not ideal and I think my instructor was pissed at me right till the very end hahaha)

At some point during my skills training I knew I was in good hands, and I believe at one point I swore to myself I won't ever go diving without my instructor with me (not realistic — does that mean I won't ever go diving again ?????) Anyway, all those skills training made me realize that any problems encountered underwater got to be solved underwater. I think once I got this into my head, the urge to surface pretty much disappeared. Plus the fact that I really need to freakin' clear my skills before I can do my boat dive and be freakin' certified. I wish I had a beautiful story about how I have always wanted to learn diving, but no, I was only tagging along coz I thought being a good swimmer naturally makes you a good diver. WRONG.

Weather was pretty good throughout the weekend except for the occasional rain. And the theory part was as much sleep-inducing as the practical part was stress-inducing. Let's just say Sis's bf (Norman) did a better job at explaining concepts lol literally free consultation for me, and for that Im thankful. A picture of our kampung estate which was very near the dive shop, which also meant toilet trips were especially convenient! And my toilet roll came in handy after all /shrug

Wet suit: Short, 3mm

Weight: 3kg

Skills training covered included clearing mask, regulator recovery, hovering, removing and replacing my BCD underwater and on surface, removing and replacing my weight belt underwater and on surface, removing and replacing my mask underwater, sharing air, CESA and tired diver tow. A picture with Sis before I went on my first boat dive! 

How much air did I use up just from hyperventilating before my first seated back roll ?????

So, we went for my first boat dive at Tomok Island, before going further out toward Renggis Island. I don't remember seeing much on these two dives (COZ STRESS) but I saw a cuttlefish at Tomok without knowing that's a cuttlefish (in fact so many schools of fishes Idk the names of) and this DAMN BIG sea turtle at Renggis (: Apparently people saw sharks, but I guess my immediate reaction if I really saw one up close would be to pretend that I didn't see it hahaha either that or I would start to hyperventilate again. And there's this treadmill at Renggis (for real) which I totally forgot to keep a lookout for :( One artificial site which actually piqued my interest coz like wtf, imagine divers running on that treadmill I CANNOT.

For sure the boat dives had been the real test. Zomg at the rate I kept floating up from inhaling > exhaling, Im just super thankful my instructor and subsequently Norman were there to pull me down (which made the latter almost run low on air oops) IM SUCH A BABY DIVER and attempting to cut across this current was a nightmare I really thought I would be swept away. And despite all these distresses, I could actually see the appeal of the deep waters. Cue Aladdin's A Whole New World. It's nice to actually say hello (in my heart) to all those aquatic life down there whilst swimming right into schools of fishes (they won't blame you) and I still wish to spot a whale shark some day (the biggest fish and shark in the world and they eat planktons!) Just please don't let me see great white shark thank you. And also more sea turtles pretty please. 

I don't think I will ever forget that weekend for a long time to come, and I hope one day maybe I won't have to hold onto my LPI and regulator throughout a dive hahaha my survival instinct damn strong, if someone swims ahead of me then I will naturally let go of my LPI to protect my mask lest it gets kicked off accidentally. On the way back to Paya on the boat, I was thinking about how I made it to the surface alive and how I wish Sis was there to share the experience with me and also about how perhaps I can be a child of the sun and the sand and the sea like him and him and him. And one thing's for sure, I know the deep blue is where I wanna return to (:

With my instructor — August Chuah 蔡崇烈 (:

I have got a 八月最美丽的画面 to unveil, of course in Aug, when it's ready!

Now, Idk when my next dive's gonna be but I do hope it won't be too far off in the future. Cannot wait to receive my PADI Open Water certification card hehehe from my initial naïveté about diving to the knowledge and skills that I have built up over the course of three days, I felt like I had came a long way but this is only just the beginning (:

Technically one has to avoid alcohol for at least 8 hours before diving, but cheers to more Finding Nemo adventures, xx