裂缝

 

Chantalle Ng, 刘怡伶

穿过裂缝   冰冷肆虐风中
黑暗中任我遨游

冲破裂缝   那道坚定的光
只是逞强的武装

埋藏心底的渴望
选择黑暗是你不够勇敢

裂缝一点一点在扩张
爱与恨在纠缠
无声的   嘶吼没人懂的绝望

裂缝一天一天太猖狂
暗与光的决战
对和错   越来越难审判

别轻视我的爱没界限
别无视我已彻底瓦解

穿过裂缝   那道坚定的光
只是逞强的武装

So long, 2023

It's been a year marked by great happiness and at the same time, great loss. Like how blissful one gets life needs to counter it with an equal measure of grief. Yin and Yang. But maybe it's human nature to feel loss more acutely, or maybe it's due to the recency effect. For the most part of the last four months, I have been grieving over the loss of my dearest grandma. She turned ninety mid-year and was like a second mother to me and especially my brother. I do not know how to write about her that does our relationship even the slightest justice but I want to try. She had always been described as a woman of strength. How she raised ten kids of her own. How she raised the kids of her kids on her own. How she's always carrying bags of groceries back home whipping up feasts after feasts for those she loves. How even when her memories got foggy she never once forgets our names. You cannot imagine how thankful I am for that. Even up till her last days, she rather hold it out in the hospital for two more weeks after a bad stroke just so she could make it back home, back to her Jurong house, the house that built me and so many of her 子子孙孙. I just wanna say to her, you gave me more than I can ever thank you for and I want you to know that you have lived a good life and will be greatly, sorely missed. Thanks for letting me be with you until the end. I love you，我们的五代大母.

I guess one never stops, can never stop writing about grief. Because it stems from a place of love. And I got married to the man I love in January 2023. Ours is a love in the time of coronavirus. I mean, we met each other back in 2017/2018 but we practically did not speak to each other until 2020 when he broke the ice (and any silent treatment). I never thought I will be that comfortable around someone I actually like, but with Z love is not hard. I could be myself and he accepts me just the way I am. It's like the ugly tears smeared against my pillow in the many deep nights of my twenties all culminate to this one fortunate encounter. We planned the whole wedding thing in under four months sometimes I still dk how we managed to pull it off. Surely a bridal studio with more comprehensive services would help and we trawled the internet looking up bridal studios like it's the biggest project of our lifetime. And it was.

For Z, price point was almost definitely everything hahaha. But for me, I need to like their gowns, I need to like the looks of most MUA under their stable, I need to like the photographic results of their PWS and AD portfolio shots and Odelia Bridal hit all the sweet spots. This is when people use the #noregrets hashtag I suppose. Theirs is a small but mighty team and they never disappoint at any stage. Needless to say, we hit their studio every other weekend in end 2022. It's been a little more than a year but the studio was such a big part of our wedding planning it felt like Z and I did not actually do much planning ourselves ??? So kudos to the Odelia team (: Maybe one day I will write a more detailed post with photos and all. But of course, there were other wedding things like venue sourcing (we were deciding between Alkaff Mansion and MBS), wedding cards invites and the traditional chinese GDL and tea ceremony etc. to be done with (and of which AMD Wedding in Chinatown was a big help). The store owner even gave us a one hour briefing on the do's and don'ts of the traditional ceremony surely this requires passion for one to go beyond just selling products. I probably will just get down to writing more about wedding things in another post someday.

In other news, Z and I chose Japan for our two weeks honeymoon during their cherry blossom season last year. The places we went were all 打卡 landmarks but I have never been to the famous torii gates!! Never been to the famous bamboo forest!! Nor have I feed the deers famous for their politeness either!! So there, you basically have an idea of the places we went lol. Not to forget Naoshima Island -- a place I have wanted to visit for the longest of time for you guess it, Yayoi Kusama's famous yellow pumpkin. But really, Tadao Ando's architectures are just as much a highlight as the pumpkin the island is known for. I even got a really high fever on my first day on the island but thank god it subsided on its own after a good night's sleep. ANDDD ALSOOO WE WENT TO UNIVERSAL STUDIOS JAPAN! Sipping butterbeer at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in USJ was a bucketlist item. Their Doraemon ride was surprisingly thrillingly good too. I love that two weeks in Japan hahaha eating Doutor for almost every breakfast just because I can. Maybe I can do a photolog post someday as well.

I sure have so many things I can blog about but I rarely ever write in this space anymore. And now Im writing such a long ass post for the year that has passed. But 2023 has been special in its own way and it warrants some sort of recording. I was ART+ twice (in Feb and then in Dec), moved away from OCS office up to 5th Flr somewhere in Jun, attended my sister's wedding in Desaru in Jul and work wise, I sort of quiet quit in the second half of the year (quiet quit is a new term!!) before I really call it quits by the time December rolled around. Six years with the company and I really should have alot of things to say. But I struggled to find meaning in my work towards the end (maybe my grandma's passing played a part) and if I was smart and had really plan for my career, I would have and should have left somewhere in mid-year. Then perhaps I could have kept the work momentum going on but now I have other priorities that I would like to tend to. Probably no income streaming in for the most part of 2024 but I hope I discover and do things that can spark new joys. To a good long dragon year ahead xx

It's about and yet not

Hello, I woke up to wet weather today and thought it the best idea to jump into the shower without the heater on and boy, was that the most refreshing get-out-of-bed motion hahaha THE WATER'S SO COLDDD. And right before that I was just really snuggling under my blankets watching Nina Yu's (aka oh no nina) youtube videos on her day and bullet journaling (which most defo makes me want to crack open my very neglected bujo)

So I guess I'm just checking in here with a little life update which I hardly ever do on this space now, but which I would like to do more of. 

I have recently pored over two photography books which were inspiring in the sense that they make me think more about the photographs I take (and that having a less than pro camera doesn't make me any less serious about documenting and recording sights) The first book was Blind Spot by Teju Cole. In the words of his foreword author, Siri Hustvedt, his photos "emphasize the pedestrian". I like how the texts complement the photos, so socially woke with its layers of meaning that they all seem to come together to prompt a single action. To instigate. To single-handedly unearth buried truths long forgotten. Then, to remember. And also, I just like how the photos deviate from the mainstream (some POV that I don't think I would have considered if that particular sight was to fill up my eyes) The second book was A Photographer's Life by Jack Dykinga. The book in essence traced his imagery journey from his photojournalist days to being a landscape photographer / evangelist. I think alot of parts reek of egotism but I enjoy the wisdom to be gained from his experiences. Consider this. Total elapsed time for photography: ten seconds. Total elapsed time for scouting image potential: one week. All for the pursuit of honest imagery. To pay attention to the corners when it comes to image composition. To race against sunrise and sunset because timing is everything. To always search and never compromise.

Before I got together with Z, I didn't understand why people are so obsessed with getting increasingly sophisticated equipments. I felt like I can still take good photographs with my iPhone (even though I also owned a semi-pro Panasonic back then). I mean the best camera is the one that you have with you, isn't it so ??? But Z mentioned something about getting sharp details. And when I was flipping through the pages taking in Jack Dykinga's landscape photos, it occured to me that phone cameras will not give me images as clear as these when I blow up their size. That maybe my iPhone is really only good for social media content but not if I want more. So I guess I had compromised before on that technical front (have since changed to a semi-pro Sony I really love taking pictures with this camera) and I might still be very lacking when it comes to technical knowledge, but I hope I continue to take honest photos that continue to speak to me even after years have lapsed.  

So this post is about photos and yet not photo-centric at all hahaha. Till next time, xx

Summer Baby

So, it goes that there were so many ways to be twenty-six years old, and I find that very true - like when you were little you thought by now you would have everything going on for you, but more likely than not, I feel like most of us are still in that barely-there stage, like the envision of THE future is nothing more than a mirage and you still got to find ways to trudge through unforgiving surrounding conditions. But sometimes I find myself being surrounded by the most lovely persons and that's when I always try to remind myself that life is essentially what you make of it - and I can choose to be myself and still be happy. They are, after all, not mutually exclusive (:

15 JUL 2017 / A saturday trip across the causeway - this time with Xy and Yh!! The Replacement whipped up the most delish comfort food and hot chocolate drink I actually like it more than Faculty of Caffeine and in any case, these two cafes come under the same management which meant that the moolah I spent all went to the same people ????? Right after breakfast, we headed to this really ulu part of JB (it's in the Plentong area) for go-kart :D The place's called Permas Go-Kart Club, go check it out! It set us back RM40 for a ten minute ride - which meant you basically play at a little more than one third of Singapore's go-kart price for the same amount of time, and at almost twice the speed here (coz we have really tight regulations in the name of safety so the max speed you can go on a go-kart in Sg is 50km/h if you have a driving licence, and ONLYYY 30km/h if you don't SO WHY PLAY HERE, GO PLAY IN MSIA) After which, we went back to City Square and took neoprints hehehe I realized I took alot of neoprints back in sec sch but never one of the three of us together ;( So I guess this was like making up for lost time ????? Lol, and we sang k too - basically I repeated my itinerary w the AbbVie girls hahaha just that we three added in the go-kart!! But so blessed to be doing my favourite activities with my favourite persons <3

Not to make you cringe, but I used to love decorating neoprints by writing words like 姐妹生涯 HAHAHA and drawing mouse faces coz CUTE and now Im like practicing my skillz on Ig stories ~

14 JUL 2017 / Right after attending the opening ceremony of the 9th ASEAN Schools Games (tickets courtesy of Yx), I headed straight for Le Garden Seafood at Marina Square for a dinner w the AbbVie girls (missing out adele here!!) Omg their seatings damn posh and food wasn't too bad I won't even blame myself for getting food coma hahaha JUST THAT they cook live prawns in front of your very eyes I was like WHY THE PRAWNS SUDDENLY JUMP ONE IM TRAUMATIZED and thankz a million for the polaroid printouts and matcha birthday cake (: - even tho I somehow laughed my candle out without properly making a wish OH THE THINGS I DOOO

I hope I always see beauty in the most simple of things and find joy in the most unexpected of ways 
💖

And I remember adeline saying birthday presents are like surprises, but I think cards fall into that category too!! Look at the drawing of natalie's dog hahaha I seriously thought it was a bunny at first BUTTT it occurred to me that dogs have long ears too ... and also adeline's whimsical drawings hahaha THANK YOU ALL <3

xx, 

moon child

Andrea On The Road

So, after years of procrastinating and membership renewals and failing my basic theory evaluation not once but twice (to the shock of many, but I swear the evaluation was tenfold harder than the real test), and also not getting my PDL straight after passing my basic theory test coz I couldn't make out the letter below 6 or something along that line - which meant I failed even my eyesight test when it didn't occur to me that I might need to bring along my spectacles. Now that I have converted to become a private candidate, I was practically trawling the net for a good auto private driving instructor who, at the very least, got to be responsible. Found one and booked two slots with him for the month of June, and I finally got to drive on the road for the very first time today!! - WHICH WAS AWESOME, even tho I was going at like 30km/h, and braked too hard the instructor bounced back in his seat, and was concentrating on the road in front so much so that I couldn't even make casual talk and didn't even for once check the rearview mirror, and couldn't really make a good turn coz I kept crossing my hands - fuck the steering wheel - and the instructor's feedback was that I was not too bad for a first timer. Hmm, I think he meant "at least the car moved" ?????

I remember when I first learnt swimming when I was really little, the coach wanted us to swim to the deep ends one day. I mean, we were alr taught the strokes needed to make us move when in water, but Idk, it's just psychological I guess - to be afraid of the unknown, of the things that you have yet to try and still cannot help but feel like you can do it, coz in reality you can. You just have to do it, even if you are afraid, or even if you suck at it. Coz practice makes perfect.

I guess I just wanna write a short post in this space here to remind myself of how far I have came (coz learn driving journey alot of obstacles huh - adeline would agree), and to not give up (like, again) coz I really wanna drive for real this time round, and not just because everyone else is learning (or has passed and accumulated years of driving experience, dang) - it's like, you don't just give up so easily on the things that you want coz if you want it enough, you will get it. So, basically this is me motivating myself, xx

Write your words

Throwback to exactly three years ago when I joined this 750 words site in a bid to increase my writing output, and the idea was to just  w r i t e  e v e r y  d a y . It's online writing, but it's not blogging or status updating. Plain ol' writing about anything and everything in the morning to clear your mind so that ideas get flowing for the rest of the day - that's what it's supposed to do. I was very taken by the idea of morning pages, but should have known better coz I only lasted one day ????? Midnight pages defo suit me better (; Anw my free trial had long been over and I would need to pay to join as a member (which I would not do so) and in remembrance of the only brain dump I ever did on that site, here goes

________________________________________________

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

So, Im actually typing away here at 750words instead of my tumblr which I swear by cos Im intrigued by the idea of morning pages and typing freely without a fucking care. But now that I see this site requires me to become a member so that I can keep on writing here, and by which becoming a member means I have to give $5 and I don't know if I still wanna write here anymore.

I mean, poor student I am. And it's so fucking stressful trying to hit 750 words. Can you see my trying to spueeze words out here right now. With mighty force. Like squeezing a toothpaste that is coming to its end. In hope of earning a Cheetah badge, lol. I can run like a Cheetahhh, but not assembling words in coherent sentences. 

I actually think through before I write and that is something I wanna change. SOOO, maybe typing away here will help, in some way or another. And also, this big white space is so fucking good to let my thoughts, my words spill out. Freakin' amazing!!!

Ah, 15 more min to be on my way to the Cheetah badge. Right.

Let's see, okay, what does writing means to me? Why do I write what I write? And do I love writing?

I will get down to the last question first. I love writing. But not for the sake of writing, like what I am doing now. And that is why at the end of this post or entry I will find zero meaning in it and maybe burn some calories from the pressure I put on myself for wanting to hit 750 words in 20 minutes, phew. Anyway, yeah, I still love writing. Cos it delivers things going on in my brain more accurately and endearingly than my mouth could ever do. I cannot speak well. Okay, sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. But that's the problem, there is no consistency here. But Im definitely more comfortable with words. Yeehaw.

Usually I write only when I feel strongly about something, like missing a certain boy, feeling the ache in the chest that sometimes come up in long, lonely nights, or when I think about something thought-provoking. As Thought Catalog puts it - all thinking are relevant. Or something along that line.

Hmm, there goes my 20 minutes I think.

Right on track, yes. I will write about fireworks, and the gaze that lingers a little too long. I will write about my insecurities and things I can actually be proud of. I will write about friends, about family, about myself, about being. Being a human, but questioning my existence. That kind of things. It can sometimes be very original, yet sometimes it can stems from others' thoughts, their words. And how I take it to expand into my own ramblings and musings. 

So in a way, writing is important to me cos they are my own words, my own thought processes. Duh. Sometimes I hope I write some really good shit that leaves an impression but at the end of the day, everyone can write. But not everyone WILL write. So Im trying to push myself to write as often as I can, so one day, one freaking euphoria moment, I can type away and let it all out cos there have been something to say within me. And for that to happen, Im gonna live to experience, live to love, live to get fucked up by people (maybe fuck people up sometimes), just live cos writing comes from both the brains AND the heart. 

And everything I write here, it's a documentation. A thought, a belief at some point. Or this might just be an avenue for me to create some writer's block. Cos come on, I still have a little over a hundred words to go. Ugh. What am I getting myself into huh.

Or maybe I can start writing a freaking badass novel. HAHA. Not too bad an idea. I will see how it goes! Only have a rudimentary idea of how this site works. 

Don't really think I have type this long an entry in any blog post (not factoring in academic esays and reports) but you know what, I HITTTT DDDDA SEVEN \m/ Why can't it be 500 words? It will make my life easier. And I might be too groggy in the morning to even manage 50 words, let alone 750!! So anyway, all is good. 750 words yadahh-yadahh. 

Till then. I mean, till tmr.

________________________________________________

THANKZ FOR READING HAHAHAHAHA MOST MEANINGLESS POST (OR NOT)

Souls of the flowers that died last summer

I see that my last post had been more than a month back and hello, it's me coming out from the other side (2015) - twenty fifteen had been weird, but nothing compared to its december alone. Or rather, weird things were still happening coz 2015 hadn't end I reckon. Like getting a first class semester GPA which still render me amazed coz Im mostly a B student (now I can say I've gotten grades from C+ to A+ and both the lowest / highest grades were given by the same prof woah) so Im now officially a second lower (: NOT TOO BAD I GUESS. And like, what if the one that got away came back? I truly wasn't expecting that, and this kinda thing happens to be ever so confusing. Idk, this time I need to set my expectations right so as to save myself from disappointment coz Im not gonna fall as low as I did back in october. I mean, people have got different addictions so whatever floats your boat or my boat. For me, this isn't about giving up or hanging on. This is me reorienting my priorities.

And I seriously cannot wait to do up a post on my Europe trip!! Got the rest of the photos from adeline only yesterday (finally back to pioneer gym!) and I spent the entire afternoon today filtering out approx 2000 images. Some videos I actually panned too fast wtf they're making me so dizzy Im not sure how Im gonna compile all the videos hahaha BUT IM GONNA TRY ANW. Im guessing the blog post & the video won't be up anytime soon tho, what with all the editing. Anw, I got this lavender stone from Sirmione for my friends as souvenirs HAHAHA ya know what Zx said - "You really value add to my life" LOL was that a subtle way of saying "You're weird" ??????? Hey it's not just a stone, but a lavender scented one I cannot stress that enough!! And yeah Zx thanks, I know I've been value adding to your life since 2009 (; Next time plz don't stress yourself out over what to get for your 'artistic' friend here (coz Im not) ... I would have been equally happy if you'd just gotten me a pen (but not pilot G2 ok lol) Alr looking forward to the CNY steamboat with them poly girls (: And I had Xy staying over at my crib on xmas eve - we were just done with the Star Wars movie when I was told that Dad's gonna watch Ip Man 3 at westmall and me being me (who's not gonna miss out on a free movie ever ever ever) I was like "Eh dad, can treat my friend also coz she's staying over" HAHA a movie marathon on xmas eve sounds about good anyway.

So, hello 2016. I've been staying at grandma's for the past week (body clock still the same old tho) and this is me trying to write something, anything before it feels like time is running out for me. I mean, look at this post. It need not be this long. I can actually go on forever with this kind of freestyle writing but no, I think I wanna sleep. It's alr past 4am and we are still gonna celebrate Dad's 50th birthday come evening. And did I mention job hunting is very real ??????? I went for two interviews last week and no matter whether I get the job or not, I actually learnt more about myself and the profession that I wanna get into. I mean, both interviews lasted a little more than an hour, surely there will be takeaways and Im gonna save that for my tangible diary some other day. Getting old, goodnight xx

October / Octover

Who knew October could be this tough? And who knew how two persons could be so bad for each other? I wrote this eight-page entry in my tangible diary of how everything came together and then fell apart and it was the most cathartic thing ever. Coz I didn't even wanna try giving myself excuses or analyze what went wrong when and how. Maybe nothing went wrong (we were wrong itself) and maybe you did the only right thing. I only find it hard to let go becoz days weeks months will pass and we will be so busy living our lives so much so that I will cease to exist even in your memory. But I always remember everyone and everything and boy, that is my tragedy. Then again, it felt like a best friend breakup more than anything else and so for the first and last time, goodbye goodbye goodbye. 我也可以给你自由 (:

Feel like doing up a post now coz hey, maybe the next time you see this space updated would be like december ??????? I actually have a shitload of work to do and if I ever catch myself slipping back into the nua nua sad state I might as well just slip into oblivion forever. And is it apparent that Im very active on twitter now? HAHAHAH even more so than in my poly days I reckon. It's just that I don't think I will get to be like the way I am now / can be now when I leave school and start work - it's like Im trying to ..... hold on to youth. But of coz when it comes to social media, things will eventually balance themselves out (at least for myself). Wanna share something Tay Ping Hui said in an interview he did with M Lifestyle (Oct 2015 issue) - "If everyone eliminates that fear of being out there, Singaporeans will explode in terms of innovation, intellectual and political maturity and emotional stability." I like that.

❤ : Selfie before KSuites session at Orchard Parade Hotel a little more than two weeks back

❤ : In memory of our last group project together - HC4064《后代》

 ❤ & ❤ : Pq's convocation last Saturday at Raffles City Convention Centre

❤ : The sweetest thing I could ever ask of a friend

So goodbye October, hello November!!

Before we begin again

2014 came and went. On the last day of the year, Xy texted me in the afternoon saying that she was bored, so I invited her over (but it's not like there's any party going on at my place lol). We were actually both scrolling taobao close to midnight when I heard some crazy bonkers cheering and hooting in my neighbourhood did I turn toward Xy and say my happy new year. She was like "okay, happy new year" and we shifted our attention back to taobao. LOL so chill, no wonder we are best friends ~

It has been exactly a month since my last paper, and I'm still pretty much in that 2014/2015 in-between limbo aka THAT slash, so a little round-up of december before I bade 2014 farewell and truly, consciously step into the new year. Or does 'leap' sound better ..... more driven I guess? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

For starters, I got myself an iBanking device which meant I doughnut needa make my way to ATMs for funds transfer anymore. I could literally hear Xy from wherever she was scream a FINALLYYY. And then on course registration day, I was supposed to be in front of the laptop by 930am ready for STAR WARS (it's star WARS for a reason, fastest fingers first when it comes to your major electives). What I did was to miss my alarm and only woke up at 11am!!! I still had to help Sis with hers since she was overseas. With a kind of self-loathing dread (I was like wtf am I really doomed to be like this forever I can't even wake up in time for such an important academic thingy ajgkdstcfk ...) I logged into Stars Planner on both laptops to add our preferred courses into Stars and guess whattttt all our choices got registered by the system, save for the unrestricted electives which don't go by the fastest fingers first rule. I mean, the registration process for the past semesters weren't even this smooth! I almost wanted to pat myself on the back groggily, but instead I went back to sleep hahaha year 4 rawks!!

I joined postcrossing. Postcards are cool, period. And I bought a lot of indie zines online. This zines obsession is totally making me broke, but I swear I'm gonna spend my money on zines supporting independent creative individuals than on overcharged pastas from now on. Also, the other day Sis and I were at Sistic. We wanted to buy tics for 华艺节's 红楼梦 What is Sex? (<--- that's the title in english) I went "can we have two tickets for 红楼梦?" but this guy at the counter said there's no such programme. Thinking that maybe the english title would come up with a better search result, I politely asked him if he wants the english title (even though I was uhh quite reluctant to say luh). So again, I went "What is Sex?." in this straight-laced manner I swear I saw him give a confused smile, coz shortly after he asked us "how do you spell it?" Wah really burst out laughing okay. Boy, how explicit do you want us to be?! Lol

Anyway, besides catching up with friends over meals in the week leading up to xmas, I went back to being the gym bunny that I am not (coz you know what, that day I saw Bro's friend in the gym and he told my Bro "eh why your sis only cycle" I'm like wtf I also got run right) LOL have I seriously been judged?! Watched Stand by Me Doraemon with adeline omggg it was tooo sad!! There was this part where the adult 大雄 from the future saw Doraemon and his younger self, but he chose not to approach Doraemon who was napping on the bench. Coz by right, Doraemon had alr returned to the future in the adult 大雄's childhood, so seeing Doraemon again is like seeing someone from a long long ago past.  But he let the past stay in the past, and I think that broke my heart a little. The ending before the ending also brought forth the tears man. Caught Peter Pan: the Never Ending Story with Xy the next day omggg I wished I had seen that when I was little. It was alr so magical even by my adult standard, the little kids seated there must have thought that they'd been sprinkled with fairy dust. And I can't stop listening to Forever Young!! (Forever young, I want to be forever young / Do you really want to live forever, forever and ever ~)

I think I've written more about moments than any particular events. Would love to blog more consistently so that I won't have to machiam write essays each time I create a new post LOL. But even with this blog post I still cannot find closure for 2014. There's this thing inside me that demands more to be written, but it would feel too bare and raw for the internet, and I don't really put myself out there like that, so I'm gonna write in my journal and we shall meet again when I'm all prepared for 2015 (:

⚡ The girl who lived ⚡

Hi blog, so long. Finals ended yesterday, which also spells the end of a cray cray semester. It had been cray cray only coz I decided to give a fuck to pulling that pathetic GPA up and I did put in considerably more effort than I used to. In fact, October and November flowed into each other it was actually possible to NOT feel a sense of time. Project meetings on Friday mornings before going for my french class, after which I would join them again and we would usually end at 9 or 10pm (we stayed till 12am once, the horrors), and also going back to school on Saturdays etc etc. All these just for one module. Effin' CLAN is really effin' I told you. Also, I could still remember feeling down for quite some time when I failed my first french test, and the whole learn-a-foreign-language experience got worse when it came to the speaking test. We had to do it in pairs and I genuinely thought I could partner with this girl who sat at the same table. I think the rest of the class thought so too, even the instructor. But she wanted to pair with someone who doesn't want to SU the module, coz the fact that I wanna SU implies that I might not put in my best effort. I understood. But so much for that excuse, coz she had heard me speak french before. Whenever I thought of how the instructor had wanted me to read french texts out loud a wee bit more often than some others maybe coz I failed my first test, I always sigh a little inside. In short, everyone knows everyone else's standard. And my spoken french sucks. In the end, the instructor paired me up with an exchange student from Germany I could really cry coz I'm not that good with accents I was afraid we couldn't communicate in english, let alone french. In fact, I did cry in school when I recounted the whole thing to Sis. Please don't tell me I thought way too much into it or she hadn't meant it that way, coz I was pretty sure I had been looked down upon. 

But I guess there's always a silver lining. Dad would always fetch us home whenever we stayed back late, except that one time we took taxi back for it's past midnight. So ever thankful. And he got to chat with bubbly Kt, which was nice coz his daughters don't speak much lol. And all those long days in school weren't without its fair share of laughter! The three of us would entertain ourselves with dirty jokes (like guys like that sia haha), bringing up our eyecandies every now and then, and just confiding in each other about how stressed we were (people everywhere with that one drop of tear rolling down their cheek). So so glad those never ending project meetings were with the girls, at least projects didn't feel so much like a chore anymore. And that speaking test, lol. That exchange student's called daniel anyway. He had such mesmerizing green eyes hahaha I didn't know until I sat next to him. And whenever we didn't get each other, we would just d'accord (french for okay) our way through. But I managed to pass that speaking test and the second written test. I know this sounds petty, but I got one mark higher than the girl who didn't want to pair with me. Coz thanks but no thanks for making me cry. And right after class, I overheard her consulting the instructor about SUing the module. Really?!

So that's my 动荡的学期 for you. So much for giving a fuck, coz this is how school is like. I guess my final year would be less taxing coz I would only need to register for four modules, instead of the usual six which is wayyy too much. But anyhoo, I will forever miss HC3013 + Year One Sem One. A picture of the nightmare module class below, coz no matter what, it's still helena gao (: Partly also in remembrance of my eyecandy this semester lmao

A little update on the past half a year:

✭ Took this CEI-KAH test in early July and passed on my first try ✌

✭ Worked in UE for the whole of July before the semester started I'm still not quite sure how I feel about it

✭ Mum's godpa and her birth dad passed on a few days before and after my birthday this year respectively. We hadn't been really close but they were related to my mum and it's complicated but nevertheless, death is a sad thing. Inevitable, and sad

✭ Vendor for a day at Lucky Plaza flea, chaotic much

✭ Stayover at Pq's two weeks into the start of the semester (how come it felt like eons ago) Always being silly with my potatoes ^^

✭ Weekend bkk trip with the ohana, pray and shop a lot, we even saw jesseca liu (!!)

✭ First mani-pedi session in whut six years (??) lol but immediately regretted my mani color, even got around to painting a new color over it myself

✭ Signed up for ballet lessons with adeline and her mum, but I don't feel graceful at all hahaha anw got too bogged down by schoolwork I only attended three lessons (?!)

✭ Saizeriya opened just one street away from home. This was exciting news for Sis and I coz that was where we loved to eat at a few months back when we were at Beijing and Shanghai, sooo value for money we always order too much. In short, Saizeriya's our 乡愁 

✭ That bitch finally moved out of the house, and two days later we have loansharks come harassing us. Bitch is bitch, no wonder even her siblings didn't want to have anything to do with her

✭ Was conducting a verb test with random ntu students for the nightmare module and one participant turned out to be this fellow math tuition mate from church. That one period of time I went to church back in my Sec four days, going for math tuition under chuweikian cher, and this funny guy of the same age damn nice to me lol but walau eh, we couldn't even recognize each other today. Imagine me singing "tell me the tales that to me were so dear / long, long ago long ago ..."

✭ And I'm so ever sorry for forgetting your birthday adeline :( still very 过意不去

Alright, I feel so much better after writing everything out. Maybe not everything but still, till then xx

Fox Rain

[x] bade king albert park mcdonald farewell with the sibs & sirin two nights before it closes down for good, it had been at least a decade since I last went there. I vaguely remember holding onto my mom's hands taking big steps with my little feet up the winding staircase and this is the only memory I have of that place. I thought with this last visit I could hold on to something, however small, from the long long ago years. but no, I was there stuffing myself full w nuggets and everywhere was so crowded I actually wanted to get out of there fast haha but still, we took a picture with ronald mcdonald and hamburglar and friends, so goodbye goodbye goodbye.

[x] three reports and one presentation more before exams mark its arrival w late nights mugging and bottles of chicken essence, but I've come to realise chinese ain't a subject you can actually mug for so this time I might just take it easy. schoolwork had been mundane and demoralizing toward the end of the semester, Im again alr screaming inside "wanna get this semester over and done with!!!!!"

[x] celebrated yaihui's birthday the other day with a dinner at kith cafe the three of us did some catching up over good food. I was telling them how the day before for an individual presentation I got right up to the front only to realise I've no idea how to go into presentation view for my powerpoint on a windows desktop (too used to mac!!) someone seated in front of the class even quipped a "F5!" hahaha wtf now everyone knows Im such a tech noob. anw we three caught the movie non-stop I guess the heartwrench factor multiplies itself by tenfold in the aftermath of the MH370 incident it's hard to imagine what the passengers on board that flight might have gone through in what may possibly be their last moments. (oceans deep, I see you rise above the waves)

[x] for the longest of time I tend to romanticize people (too much) and I know full well what glances can do, but I've alr decided that Im not made for this kind of stuff for it knead the heart into a different shape (I don't want that) how could it be that this rain came down for you and I? (oh tell me tell me)