裂缝

 

Chantalle Ng, 刘怡伶

穿过裂缝   冰冷肆虐风中
黑暗中任我遨游

冲破裂缝   那道坚定的光
只是逞强的武装

埋藏心底的渴望
选择黑暗是你不够勇敢

裂缝一点一点在扩张
爱与恨在纠缠
无声的   嘶吼没人懂的绝望

裂缝一天一天太猖狂
暗与光的决战
对和错   越来越难审判

别轻视我的爱没界限
别无视我已彻底瓦解

穿过裂缝   那道坚定的光
只是逞强的武装

So long, 2023

It's been a year marked by great happiness and at the same time, great loss. Like how blissful one gets life needs to counter it with an equal measure of grief. Yin and Yang. But maybe it's human nature to feel loss more acutely, or maybe it's due to the recency effect. For the most part of the last four months, I have been grieving over the loss of my dearest grandma. She turned ninety mid-year and was like a second mother to me and especially my brother. I do not know how to write about her that does our relationship even the slightest justice but I want to try. She had always been described as a woman of strength. How she raised ten kids of her own. How she raised the kids of her kids on her own. How she's always carrying bags of groceries back home whipping up feasts after feasts for those she loves. How even when her memories got foggy she never once forgets our names. You cannot imagine how thankful I am for that. Even up till her last days, she rather hold it out in the hospital for two more weeks after a bad stroke just so she could make it back home, back to her Jurong house, the house that built me and so many of her 子子孙孙. I just wanna say to her, you gave me more than I can ever thank you for and I want you to know that you have lived a good life and will be greatly, sorely missed. Thanks for letting me be with you until the end. I love you，我们的五代大母.

I guess one never stops, can never stop writing about grief. Because it stems from a place of love. And I got married to the man I love in January 2023. Ours is a love in the time of coronavirus. I mean, we met each other back in 2017/2018 but we practically did not speak to each other until 2020 when he broke the ice (and any silent treatment). I never thought I will be that comfortable around someone I actually like, but with Z love is not hard. I could be myself and he accepts me just the way I am. It's like the ugly tears smeared against my pillow in the many deep nights of my twenties all culminate to this one fortunate encounter. We planned the whole wedding thing in under four months sometimes I still dk how we managed to pull it off. Surely a bridal studio with more comprehensive services would help and we trawled the internet looking up bridal studios like it's the biggest project of our lifetime. And it was.

For Z, price point was almost definitely everything hahaha. But for me, I need to like their gowns, I need to like the looks of most MUA under their stable, I need to like the photographic results of their PWS and AD portfolio shots and Odelia Bridal hit all the sweet spots. This is when people use the #noregrets hashtag I suppose. Theirs is a small but mighty team and they never disappoint at any stage. Needless to say, we hit their studio every other weekend in end 2022. It's been a little more than a year but the studio was such a big part of our wedding planning it felt like Z and I did not actually do much planning ourselves ??? So kudos to the Odelia team (: Maybe one day I will write a more detailed post with photos and all. But of course, there were other wedding things like venue sourcing (we were deciding between Alkaff Mansion and MBS), wedding cards invites and the traditional chinese GDL and tea ceremony etc. to be done with (and of which AMD Wedding in Chinatown was a big help). The store owner even gave us a one hour briefing on the do's and don'ts of the traditional ceremony surely this requires passion for one to go beyond just selling products. I probably will just get down to writing more about wedding things in another post someday.

In other news, Z and I chose Japan for our two weeks honeymoon during their cherry blossom season last year. The places we went were all 打卡 landmarks but I have never been to the famous torii gates!! Never been to the famous bamboo forest!! Nor have I feed the deers famous for their politeness either!! So there, you basically have an idea of the places we went lol. Not to forget Naoshima Island -- a place I have wanted to visit for the longest of time for you guess it, Yayoi Kusama's famous yellow pumpkin. But really, Tadao Ando's architectures are just as much a highlight as the pumpkin the island is known for. I even got a really high fever on my first day on the island but thank god it subsided on its own after a good night's sleep. ANDDD ALSOOO WE WENT TO UNIVERSAL STUDIOS JAPAN! Sipping butterbeer at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in USJ was a bucketlist item. Their Doraemon ride was surprisingly thrillingly good too. I love that two weeks in Japan hahaha eating Doutor for almost every breakfast just because I can. Maybe I can do a photolog post someday as well.

I sure have so many things I can blog about but I rarely ever write in this space anymore. And now Im writing such a long ass post for the year that has passed. But 2023 has been special in its own way and it warrants some sort of recording. I was ART+ twice (in Feb and then in Dec), moved away from OCS office up to 5th Flr somewhere in Jun, attended my sister's wedding in Desaru in Jul and work wise, I sort of quiet quit in the second half of the year (quiet quit is a new term!!) before I really call it quits by the time December rolled around. Six years with the company and I really should have alot of things to say. But I struggled to find meaning in my work towards the end (maybe my grandma's passing played a part) and if I was smart and had really plan for my career, I would have and should have left somewhere in mid-year. Then perhaps I could have kept the work momentum going on but now I have other priorities that I would like to tend to. Probably no income streaming in for the most part of 2024 but I hope I discover and do things that can spark new joys. To a good long dragon year ahead xx

AH GONG

Just like that, another star burnt out, another tide went out. I haven't been especially close to my grandpa since forever but he used to be a quiet fixture in the Jurong house until he got seriously ill, going in and out of hospitals over the years. If the ideal was to age gracefully, then one might not think he achieved that. His body was covered with sores and ulcers. He couldn't speak in long sentences, he couldn't feed himself, he wasn't able to walk even with his crutch. To be honest I cannot even fathom the pain he went through all these years, suffering in silence because no one understands him. There are the elders who took turns to provide shelter for him but even then, things can weigh one down. It always does. Because caring for the sick is not something anyone of us gravitates towards. There are always better things to do out there, better people to meet. We always rationalise our actions don't we, living like there's always a tomorrow until one day we don't see the people we used to see, we hear their voices no longer and that's when a kind of deep-seated sadness hits. I never did have enough memories of my grandpa for me to regret anything, but I don't know why I'm bawling my eyes out like this. I think it's because death feels so permanent and goodbyes are always hard. I hope that in another universe, in another timeline, he's actually in the pink of health. But for the ninety years on this Earth, you have done well grandpa. Not just for putting up a long fight with your illness, but also for being a father, a grandfather, a great-grandfather, a great-great grandfather for all that comes after you. Rest in peace xx

Merry Xmas 2020

Hello, we are really coming close to the end of yet another year. I had been spending alot of time together with Z over the xmas weekend and it was only today I got some me-time to work on my email, think of ways to gamify my new hire orientations, finish off Girlboss, close my personal finances and now, to type away here reflecting on the past year. But let's start off somewhere closer, shall we? :D

So, two days right before xmas eve both Z and myself took half day off work to check out this fire ramen place at orchard. THE FIRE'S IN YOUR FACE MAN. I swear my foundation melted hahaha. The food wasn't that out of this world but the fire experience defo makes it worth a visit!! And then the day before xmas eve Z was still trying to perfect his french onion soup lol. I drove over to his house for dinner after screening through countless applications for this accountant position. His first french onion soup tasted empty which might be due to the fact that he used chicken broth. He switched to pork broth the second time but added too much white wine haha (his dad still think he should pour more wine zzz all the drunkards in his family LOL) but other than that I thought the soup was still nice and it felt like he's almost getting the taste right. We spent xmas eve with his group of friends (they call it kopi sesh but they are always drinking alcohol leh) they are a funny and chillax bunch me likey hahaha and because Z wanted to drink a little, I ended up staying over at his house for a good 3D2N (we wanted to drink at his family's xmas dinner too!) I don't usually have any plans line up for xmas in recent years because everyone's just hanging out with their significant other so it's nice to have Z around this xmas (: His xmas french onion soup didn't turn out any better than the practice ones though I think he xiao emo lol. His bros opened up like 4 different alcohol after dinner omg I think I got high hahaha there were the usual red wine they usually drink during meals, a honey mead that tasted really sweet, sapporo premium beers that slide smoothly down the throat, and this omar whisky from taiwan ..... how to not get high you tell me lol. Right after the alcohol rounds Z and myself were trying to make the soundbar work for this sing K app but we were just singing at the top of our lungs without the echo effect fml. The next day we both were really just chilling out in his room and I don't get his Orange is the New Black show siaa hahaha I suggested watching this korean show called Sweet Home they say it's the korean version of Stranger Things!! Omg the show's really good in the suspense thriller factor.

There goes my very chill xmas weekend (: Ending this post with a still from the fire ramen place showcasing Z's unglam expression and my very scared face when the first flame went up (and it's not even for our ramen, it's for the couple seated beside us hahaha) I really think in the face of danger my hand instinctively reach out for Z lmao.

Merry Xmas & Happy New Year 2021.

It's about and yet not

Hello, I woke up to wet weather today and thought it the best idea to jump into the shower without the heater on and boy, was that the most refreshing get-out-of-bed motion hahaha THE WATER'S SO COLDDD. And right before that I was just really snuggling under my blankets watching Nina Yu's (aka oh no nina) youtube videos on her day and bullet journaling (which most defo makes me want to crack open my very neglected bujo)

So I guess I'm just checking in here with a little life update which I hardly ever do on this space now, but which I would like to do more of. 

I have recently pored over two photography books which were inspiring in the sense that they make me think more about the photographs I take (and that having a less than pro camera doesn't make me any less serious about documenting and recording sights) The first book was Blind Spot by Teju Cole. In the words of his foreword author, Siri Hustvedt, his photos "emphasize the pedestrian". I like how the texts complement the photos, so socially woke with its layers of meaning that they all seem to come together to prompt a single action. To instigate. To single-handedly unearth buried truths long forgotten. Then, to remember. And also, I just like how the photos deviate from the mainstream (some POV that I don't think I would have considered if that particular sight was to fill up my eyes) The second book was A Photographer's Life by Jack Dykinga. The book in essence traced his imagery journey from his photojournalist days to being a landscape photographer / evangelist. I think alot of parts reek of egotism but I enjoy the wisdom to be gained from his experiences. Consider this. Total elapsed time for photography: ten seconds. Total elapsed time for scouting image potential: one week. All for the pursuit of honest imagery. To pay attention to the corners when it comes to image composition. To race against sunrise and sunset because timing is everything. To always search and never compromise.

Before I got together with Z, I didn't understand why people are so obsessed with getting increasingly sophisticated equipments. I felt like I can still take good photographs with my iPhone (even though I also owned a semi-pro Panasonic back then). I mean the best camera is the one that you have with you, isn't it so ??? But Z mentioned something about getting sharp details. And when I was flipping through the pages taking in Jack Dykinga's landscape photos, it occured to me that phone cameras will not give me images as clear as these when I blow up their size. That maybe my iPhone is really only good for social media content but not if I want more. So I guess I had compromised before on that technical front (have since changed to a semi-pro Sony I really love taking pictures with this camera) and I might still be very lacking when it comes to technical knowledge, but I hope I continue to take honest photos that continue to speak to me even after years have lapsed.  

So this post is about photos and yet not photo-centric at all hahaha. Till next time, xx

#520

So, it's official with Z (: You know, sometimes I feel like could it be a glitch in the fabric of the universe that's causing all these stuff that are happening ... to happen ??? Like the coronavirus is changing the game in the economical and social spheres, directly affecting our physical spaces and mental wellbeing (cabin fever you guys). And that after all this is over, we will be moving towards a new normal. I guess what Im trying to say is that if suddenly being in a relationship (with Z) is gonna be a new normal for me then I totally welcome that hahaha. It truly becomes a love in the time of the coronavirus. 2020, can you get any weirder (and sweeter) ?????

BIRDIES TRIP ft. cuties of JLG

Jurong Lake Gardens, Apr 2020

[1] / [3] / [7] : JLG landscape

[2] : Plantain Squirrel

[4] : Collared Kingfisher

[5] : Pink-necked Green Pigeon

[6] : Black-naped Oriole

[8] : White-breasted Waterhen

@joodlely

It goes that one fine day, I received this instagram follow request from an illustration account and I have got a really strong feeling the account's created by a poly friend of mine (she's a mutual friend of a few of those in the following list even tho her own personal account's nowhere to be seen) and I dropped her a text to ask if the account's hers and it really is!! She was like HOW YOU KNOWWW LOL well, I guess it's the seasoned private investigator in me at work

In all honesty, her drawings are defo cute and I wish I can draw like her!! She now draws portraits at a fee (whether you are very single or as a sweet couple she charges the same fee) and I jumped at it right away!! I think it's nice to support a friend this way, especially when Im into anything creative myself, and Im also just really excited to see how the portrait will turn out in the end (:

Im glad that my friend's receptive to my feedback and suggestions, cause I really love the end product!! She got my smile right the first time, but I was like can make my eyebrows thicker and my eyes shinier ????? Not so droopy too, pretty please and see what we have got here!! — a pretty 2D Zhi Bing HAHAHA I seriously think her flowers wreath can be her account's USP (unique selling point) when it comes to the self-portraits, whatcha think ????? Im only posting my own portrait here, but you can check her illustration account out on instagram @joodlely

xx

Goodbye 2019, Hello 2020

Hey there, Im back here in this space to close out the year and welcome the next (: I actually feel a little like Im intruding my own personal space seeing how LONGGG it has been since I last updated proper, I really thought I would just let this blog fade off or something. In any case, let's just say that the past year hasn't been too bad.

On the work front, I have hit my two years milestone in my current company. I don't OT till 9pm, 10pm, 11pm anymore. In fact, I have been knocking off on the dot at 6pm for the past three months or so. Recruitment has really slowed down alot in Q4, and I don't expect it to pick up in the first half of next year. I want to focus more on Training, and I probably finally have time for this much neglected function.

Relationships wise, still single (for the past decade, might I add haha). Broke off from my lunch group of 1.5 years. So much drama and negativity and I so happened to be caught in the midst of it all, I don't even have to wait for the new year to walk away from toxic situations. It's a pity, but Im moving on. As always, I could have spent more time with my grandma, and meet up more with the poly girls. I need to get it into my head that life is finite and time slips away much faster than you can count the minutes and seconds on the clock. I don't want to be that kind of person who says that this person matters, but do not actually make the effort to spend enough time with them. To be really present when in their presence. This so much I have to change.

On a more personal front, I exceeded 60kg for the first time in my entire life up till now. It's a no brainers that one of my goal for 2020 is to get myself back into shape (at least a 55kg let's go!) I travelled a few times this year too. To Hanoi with xinyi (most chillax trip ever). To Turkey with Sis and her friends (not as enjoyable as I would have liked, and they are a drama rama bunch too oops). To Jakarta with ohana (more trips together pretty please). Also, is feeling jaded about travels a valid condition ??? It's like, I have been to so many places the past ten years or so, and obviously there are alot more places and lands that I have yet to set foot on, but I don't get excited about travels like before. There's no place I have in mind if anyone was to ask me right now "where would you love to travel to next" I have no idea where, I have no feels to plan out any itinerary, I probably would prefer to just stay at home and read / netflix. This is wrong right. Like Im still young and how people always say the world is your oyster. I ranted about this whole sick-of-travelling thing to a colleague and he suggested I try out overseas volunteering work. And right away, I know this is something that I can do. I might not have thought about it first (why didn't I ??!) but suddenly, getting on a plane is meaningful again. Im over the first-time-on-an-airplane / first-time-travelling-alone-with-a-friend / first-time-travelling-solo phases. Im truly blessed to be able to even travel that much, but I hope to find joy in my travels again. To that end, I will finish off all my travel posts and pick up from where I left off (Taiwan 2018). Writing about my travels might just be the best way to digest my experiences of distant lands and hopefully in the process, I find gratitude and purpose again.

On the money front, I definitely need to cut down on unnecessary expenses like food deliveries (mcdonald, pastamania, delifrance, umisushi, QQ rice ... just freakin' walk to get caifan alr!!) and grab rides (but Dad got us a car, so I hope I save a little more as compared to grabbing every single day at peak hours ??) I have been driving for a month or so, and I need to say that Im now much more confident on the roads and at parking. Not super duper skilful, but good enough for someone who only got her driving licence in 2018 and have totally forgotten how to park for the most part of 2019 ??? I know that I have been adulting ever since I started working, paying my own bills etc. but I actually feel like a real adult + more responsible now that Im driving. Hmm, what kind of ego mechanism is at work here I wonder.

And in the coming year, I hope to learn something new. Coding maybe, I have been toying with that idea for quite some time. Also, to get my Advanced Open Water licence as well. I have also started on this bullet journal thing instead of buying my usual Moleskine planner and Im pretty pumped doing up some spreads to prepare for the new year. I don't want to feel intimidated to come up with pretty spreads that have consistent themes and are insta-worthy, but I definitely want to make the system works for me, and to make the bujo my own (: So to more journalling, and to more blog posts!

I hope that you have a pretty great year ahead and that you open yourself up to new experiences which can only ever do you more good. Till then, xx

Dear Diary

Hello there, it's been many whiles since I last post here in this space and I wonder who even still reads blogs anymore. Then again, if you think about it — who even writes long ass posts on their blogs anymore. But I think I still do want to do that (the reading for whoever writes, and the writing for whoever reads), or go back to doing that. I don't think I can do travelogues like before tho, what with all the editing and collaging. I mean, just so you know, I put considerable efforts into each blog post hahaha but the past year proved that with work and all, I cannot possibly keep up with all those posts DANG so Im just gonna tell you — please refer to my Fb (pending my Melbourne and Hanoi photos) And Idk, my colleagues are a cute bunch in the sense that besides chasing me for work (oops) they chase me for my travel photos too (erm) and ever since november last year, I have went "okok, it will be up soon!!" countless times lol.

I actually do have a number of backlogs which I might eventually resort to Fb as a sort of archiving means or let those slide into obscurity:

• University Convocation, Jul 2016 (omg this can just go onto Fb for the eyes of a select few)
• Hong Kong, Apr 2017 (first solo trip, worth documenting some thoughts which ran through my mind)
• Taiwan Part II, May 2018 (花莲/台北 but photos are all up on Fb)
• Melbourne, Nov 2018 (second solo trip, pending Fb)
• A round up of 2018 post (just saying that it was good and I embraced all experiences)
• CNY 2019 post (just saying that I hope I come out of 2019 feeling the same way I did for 2018)
• OCS Kick Off, Feb 2019 (wanna document some chio horses pictures lol)
• Hanoi, Apr 2019 (pending Fb)
• Wonderland (coz maybe Idk where else to go and would rather much go down the rabbit hole)

Idk, Im so used to making this sort of lists, ticking all those tasks away as I go along — more systematic, quite unlike whatever poetic style I was going for in the past hahaha but as I said, Im not giving up on writing just yet (: If it's going to be just typing and rambling away, I might probably be writing here more often than ever before (ok, maybe attaching a couple of photos here and there hoho) In any case, even with this long hiatus, I have been conscientiously updating my Current Book for all to see so here's a big toast to writing, and reading forever. 

To whoever still reads my blog, you are the real MVP.

BIG HUGS, xx

Taichung Visuals

26 MAY - 1 JUN 2018 /

Finally this Taiwan trip came into fruition coz I believe Sis, Bro & myself had been talking about it for the longest of time and apparently all of us had some rough idea of the places we wanna go or the food we wanna try out but some of the finer details were only ironed out during the trip itself, like how we only got ourselves a driver to bring us from our minsu in Taichung all the way to Taipei, cutting through mountains and stopping by a couple of attractions in Hualien along the way a day or two before we were supposed to depart for Hualien (666!!) Let's just say it was damn UV hot the first day we arrived but it got cooler when we went up the mountains in Nantou County, and it rained during the last few days of our trip when we were in Taipei, so all's good! Below are some visuals from Taichung — 彩虹村、中社花市、逢甲夜市、清境農場 (found my 1314 hahaha)、合歡山 ..... ENJOYYY ;D

HUALIEN + TAIPEI VISUALS UP IN THE NEXT POST (:

xx